Thursday, January 27, 2011


Today was what seemed like a perfect day. There was no school for the second day in a will be the third day tomorrow (oh, I love the snow), and I finished one of what I think is my favorite books in the world: "Lock and Key" by Sarah Dessen. I got a cute haircut, got my eyebrows waxed, and felt pretty. I got to see my mom laugh in what seemed like forever.
But that changed. I learned secrets about my family I'd never knew were viable. They were enigmas - a lost love, an abusive relationship - that would never even cross my mind. I cried as I thought about what distance had done to me, to all of us. How, because I was 2000 miles and an ocean away from the ones I loved, I had lost all touch. And with that, I had lost trust and a sense of conformity. As I ran on the treadmill, the only thoughts I could think were of loneliness. What happens now that I haven't seen them in 4 years? Do we just forget and move on? Do we pretend like nothing's wrong? I have come to realize that there are people I know absolutely nothing about; I have seen (well, actually heard, but forced to believe) that my role model - a woman that epitomized strength - is now almost gone: her memory quickly fading, her mind acting slow, her back scarred by the whippings of a gruesome hand. Where was I when she needed me the most? I was stuck here. Away.
And I just so want to help. But that's near impossible. I don't know what to do and it's just killing me.

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